The most hilariously offensive GSElevator tweets about life on Wall Street
You know about GSElevator? In essence, it is a super popular Twitter account that for years has been publishing chats “overheard in Goldman Sachs” elevators. Of course the guy was not a Goldman insider, and everything published was just jokes meant to satirise banking culture.
In any case – the account grew to 726,000 followers. The guy behind the account was revealed to be John Lefevre, ex-trader in Citi bank. Few months back he even published a widely debated book about life at Wall Street – “Straight to Hell”.
Most of his tweets are cliches on banking culture. Some are funny, some are racist, most – bordering offensive. If the goal was to illuminate the frat-bro-douche banker mentality – it definitely worked. Reading just a few would give you a strong opinion that bankers as sexist, cynical, arrogant and greedy bastards with dispoportially over blown ego and unfairly high compensation.
Anyhow, it is something worth a look if you are planning to get into investment banking. Partially – just to know what you will be getting into. And partially – to know what other people may think of you when you actually become an investment banker. I selected top 30 reasons to like – or hate – the guy behind the GSElevator.
1. He knows how to appreciate girls’ beauty.
#2: Maybe 4.
2. And respect them for who they are.
#1: Hot girls will never know if they are actually interesting or hot.
#1: I want a girlfriend strong and independent enough to change a flat tire, and hot enough that she never has to.
#1: She’s hot, but not ‘risk half my net worth’ hot.
3. Especially Asian ones.
#1: Asian girlfriends are just whores who get paid in Louis Vuitton.
#1: Selfie sticks have destroyed one of the easiest ways to meet Asian chicks.
4. Wives particularly.
#1: Every time my wife gives me a BJ, I know it’s time to check my American Express statement.”
#1: My next wife probably hasn’t even started middle school yet.
5. He knows the real truth about relationships…
#1: Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun is over.
6. And just loves children.
#1: My 10yr old made a birdhouse. We’re so screwed. 10yr olds in China are making iPhones.
#1: Almost time for children to learn a valuable life lesson. Santa loves rich kids more.
7. He knows money won’t buy happiness.
#1: Money might not buy happiness, but I’ll take my fucking chances.
#1: Each comma in your bank account adds an inch to your dick.
8. He knows hard truth about life in investment banking.
#1: Fuck that. When I was an analyst, I had to eat an entire ‘wasabi roll’. What we called team building, you faggots call bullying.
9. But loves it nonetheless.
#1: Nobody would think that some smart, educated, and successful people would make as many jokes about the number ’69’ as we do.
#1: If you ever worry about what senior management think about you, just remember: we aren’t thinking about you.
10. He feels sorry for those less fortunate…
#1: Fact. Nearly 50% of all American workers have less than $10k saved for retirement. #2: Fuck. That wouldn’t cover a ski weekend.
#1: My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.
#1: You can always tell which people are riding bikes for exercise and which ones are doing it because they can’t afford cars.
11. And really wants to help them out.
#1: I never give money to homeless people. I can’t reward failure in good conscience.
#1: I can’t respect any person who ends up with a middle seat on an airplane.
12. He has strong opinions on all the topics – from history to politics.
#1: The Greeks may have invented sex but the Italians added women.
#1: One of the biggest problems with todays society is that we’ve run out of colonies to send our undesirables to.
#1: Am I the only person who rooted against Robin Hood, the world’s first thug communist?
13. And he even has a stand on hipsters.
#1: Can we please stop calling them hipsters and go back to calling them pussies?
14. And vegetarians too.
#1: We didn’t climb our way to the top of the food chain by being vegetarians.
15. He is an optimist when it comes to relationships.
#1: The right one is out there for everyone. Statistically, you’ll probably never find them, or fuck it up when you do, but they’re out there.
#1: People who get engaged on Valentine’s Day don’t need a prenup. She won’t want his Xbox when they split in 2 years.
#1: If you really want to get to know someone on a 1st date, just ask about their first pet or favorite teacher. Then read all their emails.
16. He makes brilliant observations about people…
#1: No one would run a marathon if they had to sign a confidentiality agreement first.
#1: People who are too nice are way creepier than people who are assholes.
17. And life overall.
#1: If you abstain from smoking, drinking, and using drugs, you don’t actually live longer. It just seems longer.
18. He takes racism to a whole new level.
#1: Whenever something says, ‘The first black, the first latino, or the first woman’, it just means a white guy did it first.
#1: Whenever I see a black guy with my last name, I can’t help but wonder if my family used to own his.
19. And homophobia too.
#1: I didn’t see many rainbow Facebook profiles when ISIS started throwing gays off of buildings.
20. And sexism as well.
#1: There are no feminists when the ship hits an iceberg.
21. He seems to have a special place in his heart for Obama.
22. He has a fair opinion of himself.
#1: My liver must look like Oprah without makeup.
#1: I’m an 8 in a suit, a 5 without a shirt on, but a 10 with my card behind the bar.
#1: Living my life is like playing Call of Duty on Easy. I just go around and fuck shit up.
23. Or maybe not so fair sometimes.
#1: We’re all God’s children. Some of us just deserve a higher allowance.
#1: I start every cell conversation with ‘my phone’s about to die’ so people don’t waste my time.
24. But at least he accepts it.
#1: I already know I’m going to Hell. So, at this point, it’s go big or go home.
25. And he really gets banking.
#1: If people never trust a skinny chef, they shouldn’t want their bankers to be poor.
#1: Insider trading is like pissing in the pool. It sounds dirty, but really isn’t that big a deal.
26. He always knows how to behave.
#1: Only Neanderthals resort to violence. I prefer crushing one’s spirit, hope, or ego.
#1: Opinions are like bedsheets. You only change them if it helps you get laid.
#1: You’ll learn. Silence is the best way of saying ‘fuck you’.
27. His tweets are are full of love for humanity and people.
#1: How easily someone is offended is directly proportional to how stupid they are.
#1: The fact that most people are too stupid to know how dumb they really are is the fabric holding our society together.
#1: If you find yourself using the ‘crazy ones, misfits, rebels’ Steve Jobs quote, odds are you are none of the above.
28. No one can motivate better.
#1: If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
29. He gives the best advice about girls…
#1: “On Valentine’s Day, send your girl flowers anonymously. If she doesn’t mention anything, dump her ASAP.”
#1: My 3 favorite lies are ‘I’m sorry,’ ‘Just kidding,’ and, ‘We should get together some time.’
#1: If her profile pic’s an 8, she’s a 4. Move on.
#1: Bros before hoes.
#2: People who say that usually have neither.
30. And life in general.
#1: When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.
Think it’s funny? Goldman Sachs did too. The bank had the most hilarious response to Mr. Lefevre’s revelation of identity. “We are pleased to report that the official ban on talking in elevators will be lifted effective immediately.” I guess investment bankers do have humour after all.